raw.

raw. i want to bleed on someone, want to have arms bandage me. i've been so contained, i want to leak onto someone, be the mess on their clothing. i haven't been alone for such a long time that i don't know what to do with myself. i have a memory of wanting solitude, but i can no longer relate. i realize how much of a luxury it is to have a specific external emotional presence in one's life. it comes with responsibility, and unfortunately, i am not prepared for that. so i must deal with these moments quietly. alone. it's okay. it's something i must respect.

i am not a part of this tragedy

what do you do when someone looks into your eyes with so much pain? i just hugged him and breathed into him and told him that i could do no more than be his friend. he told me that he loves me. i'm not sure of the context, not sure where his mind is... i'm not sure that he knows these things. i know that i'll make mostly good choices in this situation, and not divert too much energy from what is good in my life, but i feel a heartache coming. the kind you get when watching someone deteriorate. he used to be a creature of light, but he's forgotten.