second chance...

you're not supposed to recycle partners... once it's over, it's over.

and you knew he was moving away.

I told him that I wanted to be his best friend so I could visit him there. fucking him was not payment for the trip, it was just an added bonus to the renewed friendship. I felt liberated, was fresh FRESH out of the relationship of my life. I wanted it to work, but...

you were rebounding.

of course.

so you moved thousdands of miles away...

it was fucking Hawai'i! the Big Island is named Hawai'i. I lived there for 2 1/2 months, painfully repeating history on a lush, active volcano-island. it's a lover that kisses with teeth, it punishes you while pulling you in deeper. it took 24 hours for us to re-utter desperate heart murmurings, we wondered what to do. I had seen his eyes reflected in a mirror, at a time when I had forgotten about that particular shade of green and what it did to my sensibilities. I wanted to be single so much, wanted to cleanse myself of the saccharine being-involvedness that was creating cavities in my ego. you may catch more flies with honey, but no one wants to kiss a mouth of rotten teeth. who wants to catch flies? they eat shit, too. I ate it.

I knew it would be an act of God, a gorgeous disaster, watercolor streaked with ink -- delicate, reckless, over so fast... but sometimes you need a particular color in your life. I needed that pale shade of green... I wasn't an artist then. I wanted to be. I bit his lips, licked his teeth, tried to breathe into him. I wanted him to be my muse. I looked at his reflection again, this time in the Hilo Bay.

what color is the water in Hawai'i?

green, then blue, then green... clear. warm. cool. pure. I needed that color. I became an artist. he remained pale. green.

I couldn't handle the permutation, his eyes were muddy in the water. algae. I wouldn't dare mix the shade. he was content in his wretchedness, in his stagnation. as he outfited himself in misery, I wrapped myself in lava, coral, sun. bliss.

Hawai'i punished him, I enjoyed the teeth. I bit back, licked the waves, breathed into the place, always deep breath. it's waiting for me to come back.