when I walk alone

today,
I'll allow the decadence
of sadness and introspection;
after all, most days
I'm so fucking cheerful.

days like today,
I equate
my need to relate
with the need to spread
myself thin enough
to avoid getting heavy.

today I'm heavy.
I'm Freud's bastard child
trying to figure out
who's my Daddy,
so I can raise him
all over again.

I need some space,
some drum 'n bass,
I need someone to need me.

no.

I need to save-face the reality
that I should provide
my own rhythm section.

when I walk alone,
I like the beat.
when I walk alone,
I like the beat.
I like the rhythm
of my own two feet;
when I walk alone,
I like the beat.

hawai'i rebound

no dreams to remember
but there is a rooster
I hear him and think
this is not real

but casually
there's an honesty
the hope in our reverie
is not to feel

late at night
I understand my mother
sometimes it's hard to wrap
your arms around alone

biologically
there's a tendency
to fill the vacancy
under the pretense
of just getting some

held hands
hold answers
and the answer this time
is no

there's an urgency
the conversation's deep
but our talk is cheap
when words are all we know

didn't want to wake up alone
so we shared some pain
in each other's arms
it's nice to pretend

that the ease with which
we leave each other
will ease the pain
of leaving them

you might comfort me
temporarily
but in the end
I'm left with me

and I might help you
some kind of peace might get through
but in the end
you're left with only you

it's hard to say
but as I walk away
I know we'll both be okay
when all is said and done

this is not vulnerability
it's solidarity
distraction can be the key
to moving on

one day I will be as wise.

I hugged this tree in Hilo. a lot.